I love being a mom. I really do. But let me tell you one thing that flat out stinks about being a mom. Guilt. G-U-I-L-T. Big honkin' GUILT.
It seems the moment I found out I was pregnant with PB, guilt just packed up a U-Haul and decided to move in with me for the rest....of.....my....life.
When I was pregnant, I felt guilty for eating dessert. I was afraid my son would come out looking like a chocolate chip cookie. I should've been eating sprouts and seaweed and tofu. Right? Guilt.
When I was pregnant, I felt guilty for buying off-brand diapers and second hand toys and baby accessories. PB was supposed to have the top-of-the-line-best-of-everything. He should be wearing Ralph Lauren diapers, not the Target brand, right? GaaaahhhhILLLLT.
Pregnancy guilt was just the tip of the iceburg.
Once I had PB, I felt guilty all the time. Guilty for complaining when I was tired-that meant I wasn't supermom. Guilty for taking him to ballgames when he was little-that meant I was exposing him to germs. Guilty for literally everything that I did or didn't do.
One day, I had a breakdown. I was so wrapped up in feeling inadequate and guilty as a mom that it was consuming me. I think part of my problem was that I looked at other moms and it seemed like they really had it all together. Guilt didn't live at their house; at least they didn't act like it did. Their babies probably wore Ralph Lauren diapers (do they even have those!?) and they probably functioned wonderfully on .00075 hours of sleep a night. They were much better moms that I was.
At that moment, I prayed. I cried. And I thought about what I was doing. I was trying so hard to be the 'perfect' mom. I was taking good qualities from great moms that I knew, rolling them all together to make a 'supermom', and was trying to be that imaginary 'supermom'. I was measuring my worth as a mom based on an imaginary 'supermom' I had made up in my crazy mind. And I was feeling guilty for not living up to these ridiculous standards. What the heck!?
I was frustrated with myself because I felt like I was looking to everyone else for guidance on how to be a parent, when I should have been looking to the Greatest Parent, my Father in Heaven. Now, so far I haven't found any scripture that says what you should do if you have a teething baby. But, I have found peace in His word. And I've found comfort and strength. And faith. Faith that God will lead me in this new life as a mom. Faith that He will lead me in this new life as a wife. Faith that He will give me all that I need to raise my family as He wants.
Now, don't get me wrong. I still struggle with guilt. I feel guilty taking PB to daycare; I should stay at home with him. I should work, though, because then I can provide PB with a better life. But then I should probably stay home with him because I want to spend that precious time with him. But then I should probably take him to daycare because I want him to learn to socialize and have friends. But then people would know that I don't use Ralph Lauren diapers. Eeek! But then.....
Seriously, this is a day in the life of my mind.
When I feel that guilt creeping in, I'm trying to get in the habit of just stopping right where I'm at and praying. I know that God will give me all that I need. 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, my strength is made perfect in weakness". Whoop, whoop. Man, that's good stuff right there!
Being a mom is totally not for wussies. I've said before that parenting isn't for wussies, but motherhood is soooo not for anyone who even slightly resembles a wuss. Seriously.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who battles guilt, whether in parenting or marriage or just life??!?! And please tell me I'm not the only one who doesn't use designer diapers?!?!?
P.S. You can eat an obscene amount of chocolate chip cookies during pregnancy and your child will not resemble a chocolate chip cookie at birth. I know this from experience.
|See!!?!? No cookie here!|