healing.

Thank you all, so much, for your kind words and prayers. They really do mean so much to me. I have felt so much peace during this experience, and I know that was a result of all the prayers going up for my family and I.

I'll start by saying this. Miscarriage is a sad thing when it happens to someone you know. Miscarriage is a devastating thing when it happens to you. 

But you know, I am doing fine. I really am. I have so much peace resting in His promises for me.

After the trip to the ER, I came home and stared at my ultrasound picture. It was so surreal. I felt like I was still in a bad dream. A really, really bad dream. I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday. I had a follow-up appointment on Thursday with my OB. I was still cramping quite a bit. He checked me and said that my cervix hadn't yet closed, so he wasn't convinced that my actual miscarriage was over. He gave me the choice of having a D & C or letting my body take care of itself. I chose the latter. He told me to expect more pain and more cramping. He was so supportive and compassionate towards me. Those are two wonderful qualities to have in a doctor.

I laid around over the weekend, still cramping and bleeding pretty bad. The weekend was fairly difficult for me. My body was experiencing those crazy hormonal changes. It was reacting the way it did when I had given birth to PB. That was sad for me. To have my body feel the way it felt, but to know that my sweet baby was gone. That was hard.

The pain subsided the next week, and I went back for a checkup to hear that everything was fine, and no surgery was needed. I was thankful for that. I needed closure.

I've had mixed emotions over the past several days. I am really doing well. I know that God has a plan for me and my family. He has our little baby resting in His arms. I know this happened for a reason, and I do trust Him.

But on the flip side, there is a hole in my heart now. Even though I never held this baby, or touched his or her face, I still have a fierce love for it. It's something I just really can't explain. From the moment I got that positive pregnancy test, my mind went wild, trying to imagine this sweet baby. Was it a boy or a girl? Who would it look like? How much hair would it have? And then, when I got to see that sweet little heart beating on the ultrasound screen, I melted. This was my child. A living gift from God.

It's been so helpful and therapeutic to talk with other women who've been through the same thing. And I hear the same thing from every one of them. You will move on, but you'll never forget.

And I can already see that. Though I am in the processing of moving forward, I can't and won't forget about this baby. I know I will always wonder 'what if'. I'll always wonder who he or she might have been. I think this is the hardest part, always wondering and imagining what might have been. I know this little baby passed straight from my womb into the arms of our Savior. And he or she is much better off than we are right now. And that's comforting to me. But I still just can't help to wonder......

Again, I am so, so thankful for all of your thoughts, prayers, and sweet notes. I have felt the love and support of my friends, and that has been such a comfort to me. I am really okay. I know that God is in control, and that this is part of His plan for my family. Am I still sad? Yes. Does this really suck? Heck yes. Am I going to be okay? Absolutely.

I still cry sometimes when I think about what happened. I think my experience in the ER made the whole situation that much more traumatic. I look down at my bruised arm (from that wretched, wretched IV) and I'm reminded daily of what happened. I'm ready for that bruise to go away.

iv bruise two weeks out. the actual needle went in about 2 inches below this.

After I left my follow-up appointment on Thursday, I went for a drive down a long dirt road. I pulled off the side of the road and screamed and cried and prayed. I told God I didn't understand why this had happened, and that I was sad and weak. I just prayed that He would hold me in His arms and let me cry. And that's just what I felt like He did, right there in my car.

I know time will heal my emotions, and life will go on. But, I will never, ever forget about this. I am the mother of 2 babies now, one in my arms, and one in the arms of Jesus.

Have a blessed Thursday :)