holiday travels.

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This year, for the first year since Ben and I have been together, we stayed home (mostly) for the holidays.

Although we really missed getting to spend time with his family, it was so, so nice for us.

Traveling over the holidays, especially with a toddler in tow, can be a little stressful. We've learned some tips and tricks through the past two years that have really helped minimize the stress and maximize the fun.

- Organize your car. I'm a little obsessive when it comes to mess. Traditionally on a road trip, I'll have Ben pull over at least 3 or 4 times to 'clean out the car'. He thinks I'm crazy. I agree. Somehow when we travel, trash and junk pile up in the car. Between food/drink stops and toddler paraphernalia, our car becomes quite a wreck. Several months ago, I found a pin on pinterest that, at the risk of sounding like a total loser, changed my life: a cereal container turned trashcan!

Seriously, it's just too much. I can't tell you how handy it is to keep the clutter to a minimum. I also keep a small diaper bag below PB's carseat.

I use it to store emergency items, like extra diapers, a couple of water bottles, extra clothes for PB, and some wipes. It's also a good 'catch-all' for the extra toys laying around. I feel much less cluttered when I can toss his toys in a bag.

-Plan for stops. The first roadtrip we took with PB was a total disaster. I think he cried the whole way, and we made about 47 stops. The reason why? Lack of planning. We lived, we learned, and we tried it again. The next roadtrip we made, we planned ahead. We left around PB's naptime, so he was able to nap a couple of hours. When he woke up, we were ready to stop ourselves. We had a leisurely lunch and stretched our legs for at least an hour. Once we were back on the road, we used our arsenal of toys to keep him entertained for a while. We had planned our last stop at a nice rest area that had a large picnic spot. We were able to let PB run around and burn some energy for a little bit. Planning for our stops has made such a difference when we travel.

-Pack like a pro. And I'm not talking about bags. I don't know about you, but we're always hungry when we're on the road. And instead of stopping 224 times for snacks/drinks and delaying our trip, we started packing snacks last year when we traveled. It has saved us time, money, and hunger pains. I use a small lunchbox with an ice pack, and put string cheese, yogurt, and milk for PB in it. I found a pin on pinterest for easy snack storage on the go.

image via 

I use these to store goldfish, pretzels, and cookies. I like this idea because this keeps your snacks from getting squished or stale. Between my little lunchbox and my 2 or 3 snack containers, we're good to go on the road!

Do you have any tips for making holiday travels stress-free? Do you have any car organization/storage tips that make for easier traveling?

Have a blessed Friday :)

#kiaholiday

merry christmas.

Merry Christmas, dear friends,

and

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I can tell you, my heart feels so full this Christmas. I am so thankful for God's blessings. I look at my dear family and I am reminded of the true spirit of this holiday. God sent His only Son to live and die for us - for me- an ole' sinner. What a love He has for us! 

I hope your Christmas is spent with everyone you love. I hope you relish in your blessings. I hope you have time to reflect on the birth of our Savior, the reason for this season. And I hope you eat a ridiculous amount of food...because I will...and if you do, it will make me feel better about myself!

Have a blessed Christmas :)

healing.

Thank you all, so much, for your kind words and prayers. They really do mean so much to me. I have felt so much peace during this experience, and I know that was a result of all the prayers going up for my family and I.

I'll start by saying this. Miscarriage is a sad thing when it happens to someone you know. Miscarriage is a devastating thing when it happens to you. 

But you know, I am doing fine. I really am. I have so much peace resting in His promises for me.

After the trip to the ER, I came home and stared at my ultrasound picture. It was so surreal. I felt like I was still in a bad dream. A really, really bad dream. I stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday. I had a follow-up appointment on Thursday with my OB. I was still cramping quite a bit. He checked me and said that my cervix hadn't yet closed, so he wasn't convinced that my actual miscarriage was over. He gave me the choice of having a D & C or letting my body take care of itself. I chose the latter. He told me to expect more pain and more cramping. He was so supportive and compassionate towards me. Those are two wonderful qualities to have in a doctor.

I laid around over the weekend, still cramping and bleeding pretty bad. The weekend was fairly difficult for me. My body was experiencing those crazy hormonal changes. It was reacting the way it did when I had given birth to PB. That was sad for me. To have my body feel the way it felt, but to know that my sweet baby was gone. That was hard.

The pain subsided the next week, and I went back for a checkup to hear that everything was fine, and no surgery was needed. I was thankful for that. I needed closure.

I've had mixed emotions over the past several days. I am really doing well. I know that God has a plan for me and my family. He has our little baby resting in His arms. I know this happened for a reason, and I do trust Him.

But on the flip side, there is a hole in my heart now. Even though I never held this baby, or touched his or her face, I still have a fierce love for it. It's something I just really can't explain. From the moment I got that positive pregnancy test, my mind went wild, trying to imagine this sweet baby. Was it a boy or a girl? Who would it look like? How much hair would it have? And then, when I got to see that sweet little heart beating on the ultrasound screen, I melted. This was my child. A living gift from God.

It's been so helpful and therapeutic to talk with other women who've been through the same thing. And I hear the same thing from every one of them. You will move on, but you'll never forget.

And I can already see that. Though I am in the processing of moving forward, I can't and won't forget about this baby. I know I will always wonder 'what if'. I'll always wonder who he or she might have been. I think this is the hardest part, always wondering and imagining what might have been. I know this little baby passed straight from my womb into the arms of our Savior. And he or she is much better off than we are right now. And that's comforting to me. But I still just can't help to wonder......

Again, I am so, so thankful for all of your thoughts, prayers, and sweet notes. I have felt the love and support of my friends, and that has been such a comfort to me. I am really okay. I know that God is in control, and that this is part of His plan for my family. Am I still sad? Yes. Does this really suck? Heck yes. Am I going to be okay? Absolutely.

I still cry sometimes when I think about what happened. I think my experience in the ER made the whole situation that much more traumatic. I look down at my bruised arm (from that wretched, wretched IV) and I'm reminded daily of what happened. I'm ready for that bruise to go away.

iv bruise two weeks out. the actual needle went in about 2 inches below this.

After I left my follow-up appointment on Thursday, I went for a drive down a long dirt road. I pulled off the side of the road and screamed and cried and prayed. I told God I didn't understand why this had happened, and that I was sad and weak. I just prayed that He would hold me in His arms and let me cry. And that's just what I felt like He did, right there in my car.

I know time will heal my emotions, and life will go on. But, I will never, ever forget about this. I am the mother of 2 babies now, one in my arms, and one in the arms of Jesus.

Have a blessed Thursday :)

diy ornaments.

Thank you, so much, for your unbelievably kind words, prayers, and support. I am reminded of the blessings of friendship and love during times like this. Your sweet words provided so much comfort to me and my family. After letting my head rest and my heart heal, I'll be back soon with my thoughts. 

Two years ago, in early November, I had my sweet little PB. Being totally new to this whole 'mom' thing, I had no idea what to expect after I 'expected'. I do remember being particularly stressed about the holidays. I remember before I gave birth, this little voice in the back of my mind told me to do all of my Christmas shopping and planning before I had my baby, because maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have much time with a newborn on my hands.

And wouldn't you know, that little old voice was right?

I don't even remember if I put up a Christmas tree. 

At any rate, my postpartum recovery didn't go quite like the movies portray it to be, and so by the time December rolled around, I was panicking. I felt about as ready to go Christmas shopping as I did ready to wear a bikini (flaunting the spare tire around my waist, no less). And then there was the whole time issue, and taking a newborn out shopping and all that jazz. Anyway, it was at this point that I introduced myself to the world of do-it-yourself cheap and ridiculously easy gifts. And as luck would have it, I had the perfect little baby boy to be the focus of all these little crafts.

I made our parents a nice little coffee table book filled with pictures of PB's first year. And then, I made a little ornament with PB's footprint.

I made several of these, and gave them as Christmas gifts. Our families really liked them, and I did, too. They were easy to make and now I have a sweet little reminder of my once tiny-footed babe on my tree.

Last year, his feet were a little bigger, so 2nd year foot ornaments were out of the question. Instead, I took the same wood slats (from Hobby Lobby) and did this:

We passed these out to family on Christmas and these were a hit, too. This was just as easy to make. The wood slats are from Hobby Lobby. They sell them in the wood aisle. I can't remember the price, but I know it was cheap, and they come in packs of 3 or 4. I painted the slats and let them dry. I measured my picture and made the cuts I needed to. And then I painted Modge Podge on the slat and applied the picture. After letting that dry, I applied another coat of Modge Podge to seal the deal. I took my drill and added a tiny hole to thread some ribbon through. This is one of my favorite ornaments on the tree, and I'm certain I'll be making more of these this year.

Do you have any DIY ornaments on your tree? Any more ideas for a personalized kiddo ornaments?

Have a blessed Thursday :)

what happened.

I'm not really sure how to start this or even what to say, so I'll just go ahead and put it out there.

I had a miscarriage.

And I'm not quite sure why I am writing about it, except for the fact that I always feel better when I put my feelings out there. I'm terrible at holding my feelings and emotions inside, and this just feels like what I need to do. Talking about it, or in this case, writing about it, seems to be the only relief I have. The longer I sit silently, the more an emotional mess builds up inside of me.

I found out I was pregnant a little less than a month ago. We were trying. PB was getting ready to turn two, and it felt like the right timing for us. Right away, we were giddy, and started daydreaming of what life would be like as a family of 4. 

For the next couple of weeks, I had some early symptoms. My gums bled (a tell-tale sign for me), I was ridiculously tired, incredibly moody, and my boobs got pretty sore. These were pretty much the same early symptoms I had with PB. And then several days ago, the symptoms got a little lighter. I was waiting for the sickness to come, but I generally felt well. With PB, I started getting sick around 6 weeks, and I literally threw up for 10 more weeks. I threw up all day long, sometimes as many as 8 times a day. It was pretty rough. In the back of my mind, I was a little concerned that I felt so good. To me, it just didn't seem normal.

Last Sunday night, I had a dream that I was teaching at school, and I looked down to find my socks covered in blood. I dreamt I had a miscarriage at school. I woke up on Monday morning feeling very uneasy. 

And wouldn't you know it, while at school on Monday, I went to the bathroom and saw blood. Just a little tinge of it, but it was enough for me to worry. I called my doctor on Tuesday morning, and he wanted to see me right away. At this point, the light spotting had stopped.

I went for an ultrasound first. Within a few seconds, I could see my tiny, tiny little baby on the screen. We couldn't hear it's heartbeat, but we could see it. It was so sweet to see. I couldn't believe how small it was, and yet a little heart was beating. Isn't life so precious?

I had an internal exam and my doctor said everything looked okay. He didn't know the cause of the bleeding, so he said we'd wait and see what happened. I went back to work, with my sweet little ultrasound picture in tow. I put it in my desk, and kept looking at it throughout the day, trying to reassure myself that everything would be okay and imagining seeing that tiny little heart beat. I went to sleep that night feeling a little more at peace.

On Wednesday around lunch I started cramping. My heart sank. It wasn't the typical stretching I'd felt when I was pregnant with PB. This was full-on period cramps. I knew. I went to the bathroom and saw a little blood. I shut down. Mentally and emotionally, I shut down because I knew what was getting ready to happen. I managed to stay at work the rest of the day, just going through the motions. After school, I called my doctor's office. They suggested I go to the ER because they were closing. I called Ben and told him. He met me, and we rode to the ER together. What a long, long ride.

Once I got to the ER, the pain and bleeding had intensified. I finally got back to a room. It was cold. So, so cold. I undressed and the doctor came in to examine me. He said I'd have an ultrasound and an IV. I started crying. I knew what was happening, and I didn't need an ultrasound to tell me. The nurse came in to start the IV. It was her first month on the job. She started on one arm, and jabbed the needle into my arm until I was screaming and crying. Ben had to turn his head. After a minute or so, she pulled it out and said she needed to try the other arm. I lost it. I started shaking. This was salt in the wound. She managed to get the IV in the other arm, and made some ill-timed joke about my veins. I wanted to punch her in the face. She told me to pee in a cup. I went to the bathroom and saw an enormous amount of blood. I freaked and peed in the toilet, totally missing the cup. I came back to the room, doubled over with cramps. She offered two tylenol, and I took one. She put me in a wheelchair, and took me to the ultrasound.

I cried the whole way down to the ultrasound room. It was so surreal, you know. Like a really, really bad dream. I climbed on the ultrasound table. The pain had reached the most intense point. In fact, it was more intense than when I was in labor with PB. There was no epidural to dull the pain. And there was no hope for any positive outcome. The ultrasound lasted for what felt like 10 minutes. No one said a word. I asked Ben what he could see and he said he didn't know. I asked the ultrasound tech, and he said he couldn't tell. I would find out later that I was at the peak of my miscarriage right on that table, with an ultrasound wand stuck up inside of me. I can't even describe the pain. As soon as I stood up from the table, I bottomed out. Blood was everywhere. It drenched the table, the floor, my body, my shoes, everything. Ben took me to the bathroom and tried to clean me up. The blood was coming so fast.

They wheeled me back to that cold room and we waited for an eternity. I knew. Ben knew. I'd known all along. I just needed that doctor to come confirm what I knew so I could go home and wrap my arms around my little boy. I knew he would make it better. The doctor finally came in and said that I should have reached the peak by now and the pain should be subsiding. He said as the ultrasound was ending, the sac collapsed. The sac that contained my baby. My baby. Not tissue, or 'matter', but my child, who a day earlier had a beating heart. He left the room. I cried. Ben cried. I shivered. I wanted to go home so bad. So, so bad. We waited for at least another hour. My mom came, bless her heart. She brought me more clothes and shoes, since mine were drenched in blood. I cried when I saw her. I could tell she'd been crying too.

They gave me an IV of antibiotics, and thankfully switched nurses. This one was nice and compassionate. They took the IV out and gave me my discharge notes. 'Spontaneous abortion', that's what my diagnosis said. I cried. The doctor warned me of the terminology, and though I technically miscarried, the medical term was 'abortion' or end of life. I hate that word. I did not abort. My body miscarried.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you. -(Psalm 139:13-18)

I'll be back soon to share some feelings. This was enough mess for one post.

Have a blessed Saturday :)